Unconditional Parenting

I'm lying here awake, sandwiched between three little boys, reflecting. I know they'll be wide awake in a few short hours but I can't sleep.

Tonight I'm thinking about unconditional parenting. If any of you have kids, will have kids, or even talk to kids sometimes, I think you should read it. It's by Alfie Kohn and is titled simply "Unconditional Parenting."

This book has really resonated with me. So much so that I started a Facebook group just to discuss it with people. It explains and organizes so many of the things I had felt to be right, but wasn't always confident enough to implement.

The incredibly short version of it is that children need unconditional love to grow and flourish. The trap of rewards and punishments that have been the mainstay of American parenting for generations detracts from this and hinders a child's growth. Wow. And he has the studies to back this up.

Does this mean I always implement it? No. Does reading this book mean I magically refrain from coercing my children to do my bidding? No. But I am so thankful to now have a goal. I am so glad someone wrote down and explained what I'd been floundering to understand on my own.

And lastly, one of the most wonderful side effects of this is joy. I am not there yet, but when you give up the power struggle and selfishness that inhibits parents from working with their children, you can move to win win solutions. And then everyone is happy and life is more enjoyable. I can't wait until I can be there everyday instead just occasionally. It takes a long time to relearn something you've seen countless times, everyday, since you were born.

Embracing Plan "B"

For more than a year we have been through some incredibly hard ups and downs trying to buy a house. I just wanted it so bad! I thought if we just tried hard enough, it would work. I could hardly even think about it not working without feeling sick.

But now, I am realizing it's probably not going to happen. And you know what? I am FINE with it! Why? I have some awesome plan "b"s lined up.

I don't really want to say what they are because they are in the initial stages jut they range from as boring as just renting this same house for awhile to having crazy adventures. I'm ok with either!

Do you guys have a plan "b?"

I can use blogger on my phone!

Here's a little peak at my life.

Changes, always changes.

I haven’t blogged in a long, long time. So much has happened. I feel like I’ve grown and changed so much. But really, when I look back at my life, since about the age of 15 every single year has been huge and full of adventures and changes and challenges. I keep thinking it’s about to slow down, but it doesn’t. And really, I’m not sure I want it to!

One obvious change has been the addition of Maverick Blaze to our family. His birth was an amazing and transformative event for me, but we can talk about that later. Both Dustin and I continue to grow and learn as parents. Recently we’ve been reading/watching “Unconditional Parenting” by Alfie Kohn and that is wonderful.

We’ve also spent an insane amount of energy trying to buy our stupid house. You can probably tell by my adjective choice that I am completely fed up with it.

So here I sit, just getting used to the last set of changes, ready for more! We have a lot of decisions to make here soon, and hopefully we will end up wherever we need to be to have a fun and fulfilling life! Because I know so many of you are dying to know what’s going on with me, I will do my best to keep you apprised. J

Things My 20 Year Old Self Would Have NEVER Said

• I'm planning to encapsulate the placenta next time.
• We make our own toothpaste.
• I don't use shampoo.
• This next baby is going to be born at home.
• I don't drink diet coke.
• Budweiser is a terrible beer.
• Are those potatoes organic?
• My toddler is still nursing.
• I love my body.
• We don't buy canned food.
• I make all our bread.
• I don't have cable TV.
• The kids sleep in our room with us.
• I don't own a subaru.

Our Inner Misogynist

I was having lunch yesterday with one of my oldest and dearest friends. She is someone I would definitely consider a feminist. She seems to be an empowered woman who doesn't buy into stereotypes. She is strong and goes after what she wants with a gusto. That's part of why this struck me so much.

We were talking about jealous boyfriends and girlfriends. She said something along the lines of women are just crazy. She quickly added, "That's my inner misogynist talking."

So if she of all people has an inner misogynist, don't we all? And isn't it great that even though it's there, she can recognize it and therefore dismiss it? Wouldn't the first step in getting rid of it in all of us be that we first have to realize it's there and learn to recognize it?

I'm sure most of you women would never think that you hate women. You'd probably say you love women. After all, you are one. But do you really?

Ask yourself, have you ever called another girl a "slut" or a "tease?" Would you stop your son from putting on nail polish or wearing a dress? Do you tolerate being treated with disrespect?

Misogyny is so incredibly rooted in our society that so often, we don't even recognize it. And that is wonderful for all the men who are afraid of women. If we hate ourselves, they don't have to do a damn thing. We will keep ourselves down. Just the other day I read an NPR headline, "Can the first lady of France seduce voters?" Um, what? Are women so pathetically useless that our only contribution is to have people want to have sex with us? Women accept this and berate each other for being too sexy, not sexy enough, making some ridiculous duck face, staying home with our kids, not staying home with our kids, etc.

The answer is not to think that women are better than men. But it is imperative that we realize that the male and female are like the yin and yang. Both must be present and celebrated in order to maintain a balance in society. The female is just as important as the male. Please think about this next time you want to criticize another woman.

The stupid things that get in the way.

It is a beautiful winter morning here. Clear and gorgeous. Something we don't get all that often in February in the Pacific Northwest. And you know the first thing I thought when I woke up this morning?

"Damn groundhog's going to see his shadow. Why can't it be raining?"

What?!

Now, I'm all for the fun of holidays, even ridiculous ones that center around rodents with ridiculous names. But why on earth should that ruin my day? Why would I be anything but grateful for an extra dose of vitamin D?

How often do little things like this ruin what ought to be a good day? (And by "little things like this," I mean you, because it is, after all, all you in there.) It's called being a pessimist. It's called seeing the glass as half empty. And it's no way to live.

I am trying really hard to embrace this mentality. Our house doesn't have a dishwasher. Awesome! I never had to worry about it breaking. I don't have to buy dishwasher soap. Look at all this extra cabinet space I have! The bananas went brown too fast, what a great opportunity to try a new recipe for banana cake! The kids and I are all sick. I'm so glad our immune systems get this great opportunity to gain strength.

With bigger things, it can be a lot harder. But with the little things, there really is no excuse. "Punxsutawney Phil, Seer of Seers, Sage of Sages, Prognosticator of Prognosticators and Weather Prophet Extraordinary" should not be affecting my day!