The Bucket List

I love the idea of a bucket list. I think it really helps keep you focused on the fun goals that you have. I've had one since before I'd even heard the term bucket list. I called it, "my list of things to do before I die." I remember making one at around 15. I don't have it in front of me, but some of the entries were;

• Have kids (check and check)
• Go to a keg party (check about a hundred times)
• Drive a race car (no check, but still crossed off the list)

Since then, my bucket list has evolved significantly. Some of the current items are;

• Have a home birth (we've done hospital and birth center, might as well go for all three)
• Travel (this is only getting one bullet because if I put everything I wanted to see or do on here it would take pages! I want to spend Halloween in Salem, Christmas in Germany, visit every continent, take the trans-Siberian rail road, stay in a ice hotel, etc., etc., etc.)
• Own a home
• Find a way to make money that allows us to travel as much as we want
• Live abroad
• Write a book
• Grow/make as much of my own food as possible
• Learn another language
• Go to a concert (I know, I know, you haven't been to a concert?! And no, for some reason I haven't)

These are just a few of the many, many, many things I hope to do before I die. I hope to do so much more. I hope to do things that are so awesome, my imagination can't even come up with them!

I look back at all the amazing things I have done, and I am already grateful. I've done enough to fill at least one bucket list already! I've flown a plane, taken the chunnel from London to Paris, been to eight countries (not including the U.S.) and three continents. I've camped in Yellowstone and seen the Northern Lights. I've lived in England. I've driven across country a couple of times and have seen a large majority of the fifty states. I've earned a degree and have worked in the corporate world.

My whole life I have craved new experiences. I have always felt that I was running out of time and I had to do everything and I had to do everything NOW! This led to many rash decisions, but it has also let to a lot of fun. I still feel that same way but have lost some of my intertia. Don't worry, I'll get it back, and by the time I die maybe my completed bucket list will be long enough to count as the book I want to write!

What's on your bucket list?

I'm winning but you didn't even realize we were competing!

Do you ever find yourself smugly telling yourself that you're better than someone you hardly know? Or, conversly, do you find yourself lusting after someone else's "better" life? Yeah, I do it all the time. The invention of facebook has made it frighteningly easy to develop a shallow idea of what someone else is up to and makes it dangerously easy to decide that you are better/worse than them. The worst part is, I am honestly a little glad when I find out someone who I was jealous of has some huge problem and that my life actually is better.

The funny thing is, half these people hardly know me, and they certainly don't realize we are competing. And for everyone whose life I envy, there are probably just as many envying mine. I mean, who wouldn't? Mine's awesome! But really, we have been born into a ridiculously competetive culture. Some of you might like it and find it motivating. I hate it. It starts as babies. "Is you're baby sitting yet? Does he sleep through the night? Mine does, has for awhile. I'm sure your's will catch up." Um, what? They're babies! Who the heck cares?

It only gets worse from there. School is terrible for this. They even grade us and give us a rating. It could not be easier to see who you're better than! And of course later we become aware of who's prettier than us and more popular. We may not have a rating, but we all know (and in some horrifying cases, groups of kids actually do set up a rating.)

Then after school we compete for jobs, then compete for raises, and compete for a hot spouse to take to the reunion and prove that we're "better." During any of this are we competing to be "happiest?" No, no we are not. We just want other people to THINK we are happy. How stupid is that? In what way does that matter at all?

I am trying very hard to break away from this but it's hard. I definitely find myself trying to impress people. I find myself embellishing the things that are going well and down playing any problems I have. I want people to be jealous of me but really, I'm just setting an untrue precedent as I'm sure many other people also do. And to be entirely honest, from time to time I do things that I probably wouldn't do just because it would be an impressive story to tell people later. Yeah, I'm that person.

I am also trying very hard to just plain be happy for people when they are happy. And that's not entirely a selfless act. If I could feel happiness or jealousy, why on earth would I choose jealousy? It's not an incredibly fun emotion. Isn't "desire the root of all suffering?" (Buddha)

So what is my point? I am not better than you. You are not better than me. We are equally valuable as human beings. Any happiness for either of us benefits everyone. Congratulations! You won! But so did I.

Wanderlust

Nearly my whole life I've been plagued with varying types of wanderlust. This is probably why I've never had a job over a year since high school, and in high school I was kind of legally forced to stay in one place. It's also probably why I've never re-signed a lease and even gotten out of several leases early. I'm guessing it also has something to do with gas stations being one of my favorite places to spend summer evenings. It's also why I made many, many bad decisions as a teenager.

Some people don't seem to have this, shall we say, problem. They are content where they are. They like comfort and routine and don't spend too much time wondering what else is out there. Maybe they are the lucky ones, but I'm not so sure. They miss out on so much, but they don't care. So who's winning?

As you know, I love where I live. I love, love, LOVE it! And yet? I am still incredibly restless. At least once a month I dream about selling all our stuff and just leaving. I have so much shit! It's the stuff that you just accumulate and that you "need" when you live in one place. We have a microwave, a couch, way too many clothes and toys. Sometimes it just feels like such a burden. It helps me realize that being rich and accumulating things is not what I want. I am way less trapped than the person with a giant Mcmansion in the suburbs, the two hour commute, and the mind-numbing cubicle job even if they do make ten times what I do.

So what do I do about it? I would love, love, LOVE to find a way to make money that did not require me to be in the same place everyday. I've working on it. If anybody has any ideas, let me know! I know there are many, many people in this world who are free to wander, who just do it somehow. I don't know yet how they do it. It can't be that hard.

You are a goddess!

It is a sorry state when the closest most women get to their inner goddess is having it bedazzled on their ass.

Our feminist foremothers had done a lot for the rights of women. We aren't sold as property, men aren't allowed to beat us, we can vote, get divorced, even run for president. We can run companies and accumulate wealth. We have all the same rights as men. And yet? We're not where we need to be.

We have to love our true selves. We have to be proud of our femininity and embrace it! Some of us have more than others, that is also something that needs to be embraced. It is not "better" to be like a man, to be powerful or physically strong. It isn't "better" the be chaste or sexy or "hot." It is better to be who you were born to be, not who we are to other people. Why do we care if our boobs are big and perky? Are they in any way better? No! Men, and other women, tell us they are better, that they like them more. Why should we care whether or not other people find our boobs attractive? Are you looking for love? Women with all shapes of boobs have found true love and trust me, your true love isn't going to leave you for your boobs. Are you just looking to satisfy your own sexual urges (which, by the way, is just fine and doesn't make you a "slut" and therefore any less valuable as a human being). Trust me, you will be able to satisfy those urges just fine with whatever shaped boobs you can imagine.

And that is just an example. Do you want to be in the workforce, take charge, and barrel forward? Great! I think it is wonderful that women are now allowed to do this if it is in their character. But would you rather stay home and raise babies wearing pearls and making your husband sandwiches everyday? Then do it! Rejecting our softer sides as retribution for the generations of women who were only allowed to use their softer sides is only hurting us.

As women fought for the rights we have today, men resisted. Then, men gave in. They acknowledged that being a man is awesome so of course women want to be like men, right? Wrong! To this day, it is totally acceptable for a woman to wear pants and play poker, but if a man wears a dress and gets manicures, he is marginalized. Slowly this is improving, but slowly. Women are still seen as inferior so for a man to want to share any similarities to a women, he must be daft.

Sometimes, I long for the days before the link between sperm and babies was discovered and women were revered as the givers of life. But I know that's not right, either. Men are also awesome in many ways. I just wish that we women could learn to love ourselves again, to celebrate our bodies and our souls. It breaks my heart when I read about people dying during plastic surgery or ten year olds with anorexia. Middle schoolers are being teased as "sluts" or "teases" (you just can't win!)

I could go on on this topic for hours, but I'll stop wrap it up. The older I get, the more in tune I get with my female identity, and the happier I am for it. I would just like to spread a little bit of that around! :)

Destiny

I truly believe in destiny. But destiny is never a burden. That little voice deep in your gut, that longing, that is your destiny. You may have ignored it so long and shoved it so far down that you don't know what it's saying anymore, but it's still there. You can never completely eliminate it and it will pop back up from time to time as you lay awake at night or find yourself looking towards the horizon.

Throughout your life the universe will undoubtedly give you many chances to follow your destiny. Many people choose not to. It's too scary and seems too good to be true. Since birth, we are often taught that life is about tolerating drudgery, but it's not! It's also not about avoiding risk or playing it safe. I'm no expert. I haven't realized my destiny yet. I know I am still plagued by wanderlust and discontent quite frequently and I am not sure what to do about it.

It is important to try and listen to yourself. I know that I need roots and security, a place to come home to. But I also need more freedom and adventure. I'll get there. I'm working on it. Luckily the universe knows what your destiny is and gives you the chance to follow it over and over again. The universe knows us humans aren't always capable of taking a hint.

Maybe  your destiny invovles travelling, or saving polar bears, or teaching kindergarten. Maybe it will make you rich and maybe it will make you happy to be poor. I don't know. What I do know is that although it may seem hard, and starting might be very scary, it won't be too hard. Doing what you're meant to do never is. Figuring out what you're meant to do, now that's the hard part.

Thanksgiving

At the risk of sounding trite, my topic of the day is thanksgiving. No, that's not supposed to be capitalized. We all know about the holiday, I'm talking about thanksgiving the verb.

The way we feel everyday is a habit. Do you wake up joyful or crabby? Why? It's not that you're broke, it's not the endless chores associated with toddlers, it's not your job. These things do contribute to your happiness, but only to a certain degree. Obviously, it's hard to be happy if you're living in a box and it's snowing and you haven't eaten in three days. But as long as your basic needs are met, how you feel is a choice. Feeling crabby and angry is a bad habit, just like smoking. And just like smoking, it's really, really hard to stop. But just like smoking, it will eventually kill you. Stress is a leading killer in our society, so no, I am not just being dramatic!

And how do we choose how we feel? I think a wonderful exercise involves gratitude. Everytime you find yourself getting down about something, just take a minute and be grateful. Are you incredibly frustrated because your son drew on the wall with a marker? Breathe. Take a minute and give some thanks that you have such a wonderful son, that he's artistic and energetic. One in 110 children is autistic. Be grateful that's not him. Are you depressed because your paycheck is spent less than a day after you get it and yet you still need new tires? Give a little thanks that you aren't one of the nearly 15% of Americans living below the poverty line. That's like 18k a year, people! We don't need to get into specifics, but we have a lot more than that and I still can't seem to keep our budget on track!

Now this doesn't mean don't try and improve the other areas in your life. Look for the better job, try for the raise! But if you can't be happy now, chances are you won't be happy then, either.

Things That Make Me Smile

Things that have made my morning better;

• Sparkly frost
• Eggnog
• Milk in glass jars
• The way Liam says "moosey-um" (museum)
• New flannel sheets
• Homemade laundry detergent
• Christmas mugs

What's made you smile today?