These are Just Vessels

Not long ago I was in a room surrounded by amazing women. These women had birthed children, were compassionate mothers, many had college degrees, some were successful career women. They were loving wives and loyal friends. They were smart, funny, articulate. Each of them was beautiful.

And yet?

One of the primary themes of conversation was... their bodies. The shape, the size, how hard it was to love them. What other lady's bodies looked like. They "should" run. They "shouldn't" eat that donut or drink that mimosa.

And I felt incredibly sad. We are a debilitated population. This conversation is indicative of what women everywhere spend their time and brainpower on. How much farther along would we be if women could take that energy and instead spend it on increasing our compassion, furthering our interests, or inventing things. Improving the world and loving ourselves. Our REAL selves, not our vessels.

And this is not a reprimand towards those women. It is what was on their minds. They should be able to express their thoughts, whatever they are, to their friends. But it incredibly sad to me that this is what their thoughts are.

So to all you women in that room (as I know some of you will read this) and all the other women (and men) out there who struggle with their body image, you are perfect. You look wonderful naked. I love you.

New Years, again!

I reread my resolutions from last year.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

They were to watch less tv (fail), go in more adventures (fail), and eat dinner at the table (fail).

So this year I'm having two resolutions I think I can enjoy carrying through on. They are;

1. Have more fun!
2. Make this house a home. Unless, of course, that interferes with number one.

Anybody else with me on this? Let's just all have more fun!

Home

We got our confirmation today.

We own a house.

We own a piece of land.

We own the spot where our youngest son was born.

I am a card carrying member of the best community I have ever known. Nobody can make me leave.

But with this gift, this freedom, comes a heaviness. Taking care of this small plot of land will be a huge labor of love. I know much, much more of our blood, sweat, and tears will go into this place and I'm ok with that.

In me I have a wanderlust, a need for change. But I could not be happier to know that my kids and I will always have a refuge, a home base, a safe place to anchor ourselves on.

And now? It's time for champagne!

My Brain is Turning to Mush

Caring for small children is important and rewarding work. One of the most influential jobs out there, honestly. But...

Let's just say it doesn't strain my mental faculties most days.

In order to help stimulate some grey matter, I am going to be doing a series of book reports. Think one sided book club for someone who doesn't have time to go to an actual book club.

I have a few books on my list but I'm also taking suggestions. If you say, "Twilight" I'm blocking you. :)

Unconditional Parenting

I'm lying here awake, sandwiched between three little boys, reflecting. I know they'll be wide awake in a few short hours but I can't sleep.

Tonight I'm thinking about unconditional parenting. If any of you have kids, will have kids, or even talk to kids sometimes, I think you should read it. It's by Alfie Kohn and is titled simply "Unconditional Parenting."

This book has really resonated with me. So much so that I started a Facebook group just to discuss it with people. It explains and organizes so many of the things I had felt to be right, but wasn't always confident enough to implement.

The incredibly short version of it is that children need unconditional love to grow and flourish. The trap of rewards and punishments that have been the mainstay of American parenting for generations detracts from this and hinders a child's growth. Wow. And he has the studies to back this up.

Does this mean I always implement it? No. Does reading this book mean I magically refrain from coercing my children to do my bidding? No. But I am so thankful to now have a goal. I am so glad someone wrote down and explained what I'd been floundering to understand on my own.

And lastly, one of the most wonderful side effects of this is joy. I am not there yet, but when you give up the power struggle and selfishness that inhibits parents from working with their children, you can move to win win solutions. And then everyone is happy and life is more enjoyable. I can't wait until I can be there everyday instead just occasionally. It takes a long time to relearn something you've seen countless times, everyday, since you were born.

Embracing Plan "B"

For more than a year we have been through some incredibly hard ups and downs trying to buy a house. I just wanted it so bad! I thought if we just tried hard enough, it would work. I could hardly even think about it not working without feeling sick.

But now, I am realizing it's probably not going to happen. And you know what? I am FINE with it! Why? I have some awesome plan "b"s lined up.

I don't really want to say what they are because they are in the initial stages jut they range from as boring as just renting this same house for awhile to having crazy adventures. I'm ok with either!

Do you guys have a plan "b?"

I can use blogger on my phone!

Here's a little peak at my life.

Changes, always changes.

I haven’t blogged in a long, long time. So much has happened. I feel like I’ve grown and changed so much. But really, when I look back at my life, since about the age of 15 every single year has been huge and full of adventures and changes and challenges. I keep thinking it’s about to slow down, but it doesn’t. And really, I’m not sure I want it to!

One obvious change has been the addition of Maverick Blaze to our family. His birth was an amazing and transformative event for me, but we can talk about that later. Both Dustin and I continue to grow and learn as parents. Recently we’ve been reading/watching “Unconditional Parenting” by Alfie Kohn and that is wonderful.

We’ve also spent an insane amount of energy trying to buy our stupid house. You can probably tell by my adjective choice that I am completely fed up with it.

So here I sit, just getting used to the last set of changes, ready for more! We have a lot of decisions to make here soon, and hopefully we will end up wherever we need to be to have a fun and fulfilling life! Because I know so many of you are dying to know what’s going on with me, I will do my best to keep you apprised. J

Things My 20 Year Old Self Would Have NEVER Said

• I'm planning to encapsulate the placenta next time.
• We make our own toothpaste.
• I don't use shampoo.
• This next baby is going to be born at home.
• I don't drink diet coke.
• Budweiser is a terrible beer.
• Are those potatoes organic?
• My toddler is still nursing.
• I love my body.
• We don't buy canned food.
• I make all our bread.
• I don't have cable TV.
• The kids sleep in our room with us.
• I don't own a subaru.

Our Inner Misogynist

I was having lunch yesterday with one of my oldest and dearest friends. She is someone I would definitely consider a feminist. She seems to be an empowered woman who doesn't buy into stereotypes. She is strong and goes after what she wants with a gusto. That's part of why this struck me so much.

We were talking about jealous boyfriends and girlfriends. She said something along the lines of women are just crazy. She quickly added, "That's my inner misogynist talking."

So if she of all people has an inner misogynist, don't we all? And isn't it great that even though it's there, she can recognize it and therefore dismiss it? Wouldn't the first step in getting rid of it in all of us be that we first have to realize it's there and learn to recognize it?

I'm sure most of you women would never think that you hate women. You'd probably say you love women. After all, you are one. But do you really?

Ask yourself, have you ever called another girl a "slut" or a "tease?" Would you stop your son from putting on nail polish or wearing a dress? Do you tolerate being treated with disrespect?

Misogyny is so incredibly rooted in our society that so often, we don't even recognize it. And that is wonderful for all the men who are afraid of women. If we hate ourselves, they don't have to do a damn thing. We will keep ourselves down. Just the other day I read an NPR headline, "Can the first lady of France seduce voters?" Um, what? Are women so pathetically useless that our only contribution is to have people want to have sex with us? Women accept this and berate each other for being too sexy, not sexy enough, making some ridiculous duck face, staying home with our kids, not staying home with our kids, etc.

The answer is not to think that women are better than men. But it is imperative that we realize that the male and female are like the yin and yang. Both must be present and celebrated in order to maintain a balance in society. The female is just as important as the male. Please think about this next time you want to criticize another woman.

The stupid things that get in the way.

It is a beautiful winter morning here. Clear and gorgeous. Something we don't get all that often in February in the Pacific Northwest. And you know the first thing I thought when I woke up this morning?

"Damn groundhog's going to see his shadow. Why can't it be raining?"

What?!

Now, I'm all for the fun of holidays, even ridiculous ones that center around rodents with ridiculous names. But why on earth should that ruin my day? Why would I be anything but grateful for an extra dose of vitamin D?

How often do little things like this ruin what ought to be a good day? (And by "little things like this," I mean you, because it is, after all, all you in there.) It's called being a pessimist. It's called seeing the glass as half empty. And it's no way to live.

I am trying really hard to embrace this mentality. Our house doesn't have a dishwasher. Awesome! I never had to worry about it breaking. I don't have to buy dishwasher soap. Look at all this extra cabinet space I have! The bananas went brown too fast, what a great opportunity to try a new recipe for banana cake! The kids and I are all sick. I'm so glad our immune systems get this great opportunity to gain strength.

With bigger things, it can be a lot harder. But with the little things, there really is no excuse. "Punxsutawney Phil, Seer of Seers, Sage of Sages, Prognosticator of Prognosticators and Weather Prophet Extraordinary" should not be affecting my day!

Simplify!

Since the first caveman sharpened a stick to kill a deer, human beings have been trying to make their lives easier through inventions and innovations. Many of these really are wonderful and make us able to lead richer, more fulfilling lives. But none are without a cost.

Let's start with the blanket. What's wrong with a blanket, you ask? Nothing. A blanket is wonderful. It keeps us warm and probably saved a lot of firewood back before heaters. Anyone can make a blanket (though you wouldn't know it now). But think about it. Now the fleas have somewhere to live, so you have to start washing laundry. That's a chore. Also, what happens when you have to move to follow the buffalo? You have to carry all these blankets. You can't carry them by hand, so you need a new cart. You have to invent the wheel and maybe the hatchet. See? Nothing is free.

And look at our lives now. We have so many inventions, all striving to give us more leisure time. And yet, we have very little true leisure time! Sure, we don't spend a lot of time doing actual "work" but we spend plenty of time getting gas, paying bills, washing dishes, buying groceries, etc. Our cars help us travel farther, faster, and more often than ever before, but it can be very stressful worrying about car payments, oil changes, the rising cost of gasoline, and what happens if the car breaks down.

All of the conveniences have also made us incredibly useless and dependent. I found myself thinking the other day that I couldn't havea grapefruit because I don't have one of those little plastic grapefruit cutters. Um, what?! And with cars, if they break down, they are so complicated we are usually unable to fix them ourselves and have so spend huge amounts of money to have other people fix them. We can't even feed our babies without the help of Gerber, or at least a baby food making machine.

So what's my point? We really, really need to think about what we introduce into our lives to make them "easier" or "better." What are the hidden costs? Having a set of pretty china might be nice. It might not be that expensive. But where are you going to keep it? In an expensive china cabinet, that's where. And if you live in a reasonably sized home there probably isn't room for such a cabinet so you're going to have to get a bigger house. Then you're going to have to heat that extra space and clean it everyday. Is that china still worth it?

Here is a short list of things that I think practically nobody needs to own. The only exception would be for people who, because of a certain occupation or something, would actually use this crap all the time.

• Melon baller
• Baby food maker (either feed them regular food, or for goodness sakes, it's called a blender!)
• Automatic can opener
• More than one car per driver
• More clothes than will easily fit in a regular sized closet
• Salad spinner

Sorry if you own any of these things! Who am I to say. Maybe you are one of the few people who actually utilize them to their full potential. If not, maybe spring cleaning should come a little early.

New year, new amazing things to do!

I know it's been awhile since my last blog entry. I've been enjoying the holidays with my family. I think that's a pretty good reason! But now that it's a new year, I think it's a good time for another post.

I'm sure many of you have created some New Year's resolutions for yourself. I am no different. But I think the key is to have some fun resolutions in there. It can't be all drudgery! So here's what I resolve to do next year:

1. Watch less tv!
2. Have a fun family adventure whenever the opportunity arises
3. Eat dinner, all together, at the table, with the tv off! Eating dinner together as a family is actually one of the largest variables in how well adjusted your teenagers end up so I consider this a pretty important one.

I think that's all. You don't want to have too many resolutions and forget the important ones. I'm not going to resolve anything about weight or money. Been there, done that!

So what are your resolutions?

The Bucket List

I love the idea of a bucket list. I think it really helps keep you focused on the fun goals that you have. I've had one since before I'd even heard the term bucket list. I called it, "my list of things to do before I die." I remember making one at around 15. I don't have it in front of me, but some of the entries were;

• Have kids (check and check)
• Go to a keg party (check about a hundred times)
• Drive a race car (no check, but still crossed off the list)

Since then, my bucket list has evolved significantly. Some of the current items are;

• Have a home birth (we've done hospital and birth center, might as well go for all three)
• Travel (this is only getting one bullet because if I put everything I wanted to see or do on here it would take pages! I want to spend Halloween in Salem, Christmas in Germany, visit every continent, take the trans-Siberian rail road, stay in a ice hotel, etc., etc., etc.)
• Own a home
• Find a way to make money that allows us to travel as much as we want
• Live abroad
• Write a book
• Grow/make as much of my own food as possible
• Learn another language
• Go to a concert (I know, I know, you haven't been to a concert?! And no, for some reason I haven't)

These are just a few of the many, many, many things I hope to do before I die. I hope to do so much more. I hope to do things that are so awesome, my imagination can't even come up with them!

I look back at all the amazing things I have done, and I am already grateful. I've done enough to fill at least one bucket list already! I've flown a plane, taken the chunnel from London to Paris, been to eight countries (not including the U.S.) and three continents. I've camped in Yellowstone and seen the Northern Lights. I've lived in England. I've driven across country a couple of times and have seen a large majority of the fifty states. I've earned a degree and have worked in the corporate world.

My whole life I have craved new experiences. I have always felt that I was running out of time and I had to do everything and I had to do everything NOW! This led to many rash decisions, but it has also let to a lot of fun. I still feel that same way but have lost some of my intertia. Don't worry, I'll get it back, and by the time I die maybe my completed bucket list will be long enough to count as the book I want to write!

What's on your bucket list?

I'm winning but you didn't even realize we were competing!

Do you ever find yourself smugly telling yourself that you're better than someone you hardly know? Or, conversly, do you find yourself lusting after someone else's "better" life? Yeah, I do it all the time. The invention of facebook has made it frighteningly easy to develop a shallow idea of what someone else is up to and makes it dangerously easy to decide that you are better/worse than them. The worst part is, I am honestly a little glad when I find out someone who I was jealous of has some huge problem and that my life actually is better.

The funny thing is, half these people hardly know me, and they certainly don't realize we are competing. And for everyone whose life I envy, there are probably just as many envying mine. I mean, who wouldn't? Mine's awesome! But really, we have been born into a ridiculously competetive culture. Some of you might like it and find it motivating. I hate it. It starts as babies. "Is you're baby sitting yet? Does he sleep through the night? Mine does, has for awhile. I'm sure your's will catch up." Um, what? They're babies! Who the heck cares?

It only gets worse from there. School is terrible for this. They even grade us and give us a rating. It could not be easier to see who you're better than! And of course later we become aware of who's prettier than us and more popular. We may not have a rating, but we all know (and in some horrifying cases, groups of kids actually do set up a rating.)

Then after school we compete for jobs, then compete for raises, and compete for a hot spouse to take to the reunion and prove that we're "better." During any of this are we competing to be "happiest?" No, no we are not. We just want other people to THINK we are happy. How stupid is that? In what way does that matter at all?

I am trying very hard to break away from this but it's hard. I definitely find myself trying to impress people. I find myself embellishing the things that are going well and down playing any problems I have. I want people to be jealous of me but really, I'm just setting an untrue precedent as I'm sure many other people also do. And to be entirely honest, from time to time I do things that I probably wouldn't do just because it would be an impressive story to tell people later. Yeah, I'm that person.

I am also trying very hard to just plain be happy for people when they are happy. And that's not entirely a selfless act. If I could feel happiness or jealousy, why on earth would I choose jealousy? It's not an incredibly fun emotion. Isn't "desire the root of all suffering?" (Buddha)

So what is my point? I am not better than you. You are not better than me. We are equally valuable as human beings. Any happiness for either of us benefits everyone. Congratulations! You won! But so did I.

Wanderlust

Nearly my whole life I've been plagued with varying types of wanderlust. This is probably why I've never had a job over a year since high school, and in high school I was kind of legally forced to stay in one place. It's also probably why I've never re-signed a lease and even gotten out of several leases early. I'm guessing it also has something to do with gas stations being one of my favorite places to spend summer evenings. It's also why I made many, many bad decisions as a teenager.

Some people don't seem to have this, shall we say, problem. They are content where they are. They like comfort and routine and don't spend too much time wondering what else is out there. Maybe they are the lucky ones, but I'm not so sure. They miss out on so much, but they don't care. So who's winning?

As you know, I love where I live. I love, love, LOVE it! And yet? I am still incredibly restless. At least once a month I dream about selling all our stuff and just leaving. I have so much shit! It's the stuff that you just accumulate and that you "need" when you live in one place. We have a microwave, a couch, way too many clothes and toys. Sometimes it just feels like such a burden. It helps me realize that being rich and accumulating things is not what I want. I am way less trapped than the person with a giant Mcmansion in the suburbs, the two hour commute, and the mind-numbing cubicle job even if they do make ten times what I do.

So what do I do about it? I would love, love, LOVE to find a way to make money that did not require me to be in the same place everyday. I've working on it. If anybody has any ideas, let me know! I know there are many, many people in this world who are free to wander, who just do it somehow. I don't know yet how they do it. It can't be that hard.

You are a goddess!

It is a sorry state when the closest most women get to their inner goddess is having it bedazzled on their ass.

Our feminist foremothers had done a lot for the rights of women. We aren't sold as property, men aren't allowed to beat us, we can vote, get divorced, even run for president. We can run companies and accumulate wealth. We have all the same rights as men. And yet? We're not where we need to be.

We have to love our true selves. We have to be proud of our femininity and embrace it! Some of us have more than others, that is also something that needs to be embraced. It is not "better" to be like a man, to be powerful or physically strong. It isn't "better" the be chaste or sexy or "hot." It is better to be who you were born to be, not who we are to other people. Why do we care if our boobs are big and perky? Are they in any way better? No! Men, and other women, tell us they are better, that they like them more. Why should we care whether or not other people find our boobs attractive? Are you looking for love? Women with all shapes of boobs have found true love and trust me, your true love isn't going to leave you for your boobs. Are you just looking to satisfy your own sexual urges (which, by the way, is just fine and doesn't make you a "slut" and therefore any less valuable as a human being). Trust me, you will be able to satisfy those urges just fine with whatever shaped boobs you can imagine.

And that is just an example. Do you want to be in the workforce, take charge, and barrel forward? Great! I think it is wonderful that women are now allowed to do this if it is in their character. But would you rather stay home and raise babies wearing pearls and making your husband sandwiches everyday? Then do it! Rejecting our softer sides as retribution for the generations of women who were only allowed to use their softer sides is only hurting us.

As women fought for the rights we have today, men resisted. Then, men gave in. They acknowledged that being a man is awesome so of course women want to be like men, right? Wrong! To this day, it is totally acceptable for a woman to wear pants and play poker, but if a man wears a dress and gets manicures, he is marginalized. Slowly this is improving, but slowly. Women are still seen as inferior so for a man to want to share any similarities to a women, he must be daft.

Sometimes, I long for the days before the link between sperm and babies was discovered and women were revered as the givers of life. But I know that's not right, either. Men are also awesome in many ways. I just wish that we women could learn to love ourselves again, to celebrate our bodies and our souls. It breaks my heart when I read about people dying during plastic surgery or ten year olds with anorexia. Middle schoolers are being teased as "sluts" or "teases" (you just can't win!)

I could go on on this topic for hours, but I'll stop wrap it up. The older I get, the more in tune I get with my female identity, and the happier I am for it. I would just like to spread a little bit of that around! :)

Destiny

I truly believe in destiny. But destiny is never a burden. That little voice deep in your gut, that longing, that is your destiny. You may have ignored it so long and shoved it so far down that you don't know what it's saying anymore, but it's still there. You can never completely eliminate it and it will pop back up from time to time as you lay awake at night or find yourself looking towards the horizon.

Throughout your life the universe will undoubtedly give you many chances to follow your destiny. Many people choose not to. It's too scary and seems too good to be true. Since birth, we are often taught that life is about tolerating drudgery, but it's not! It's also not about avoiding risk or playing it safe. I'm no expert. I haven't realized my destiny yet. I know I am still plagued by wanderlust and discontent quite frequently and I am not sure what to do about it.

It is important to try and listen to yourself. I know that I need roots and security, a place to come home to. But I also need more freedom and adventure. I'll get there. I'm working on it. Luckily the universe knows what your destiny is and gives you the chance to follow it over and over again. The universe knows us humans aren't always capable of taking a hint.

Maybe  your destiny invovles travelling, or saving polar bears, or teaching kindergarten. Maybe it will make you rich and maybe it will make you happy to be poor. I don't know. What I do know is that although it may seem hard, and starting might be very scary, it won't be too hard. Doing what you're meant to do never is. Figuring out what you're meant to do, now that's the hard part.

Thanksgiving

At the risk of sounding trite, my topic of the day is thanksgiving. No, that's not supposed to be capitalized. We all know about the holiday, I'm talking about thanksgiving the verb.

The way we feel everyday is a habit. Do you wake up joyful or crabby? Why? It's not that you're broke, it's not the endless chores associated with toddlers, it's not your job. These things do contribute to your happiness, but only to a certain degree. Obviously, it's hard to be happy if you're living in a box and it's snowing and you haven't eaten in three days. But as long as your basic needs are met, how you feel is a choice. Feeling crabby and angry is a bad habit, just like smoking. And just like smoking, it's really, really hard to stop. But just like smoking, it will eventually kill you. Stress is a leading killer in our society, so no, I am not just being dramatic!

And how do we choose how we feel? I think a wonderful exercise involves gratitude. Everytime you find yourself getting down about something, just take a minute and be grateful. Are you incredibly frustrated because your son drew on the wall with a marker? Breathe. Take a minute and give some thanks that you have such a wonderful son, that he's artistic and energetic. One in 110 children is autistic. Be grateful that's not him. Are you depressed because your paycheck is spent less than a day after you get it and yet you still need new tires? Give a little thanks that you aren't one of the nearly 15% of Americans living below the poverty line. That's like 18k a year, people! We don't need to get into specifics, but we have a lot more than that and I still can't seem to keep our budget on track!

Now this doesn't mean don't try and improve the other areas in your life. Look for the better job, try for the raise! But if you can't be happy now, chances are you won't be happy then, either.

Things That Make Me Smile

Things that have made my morning better;

• Sparkly frost
• Eggnog
• Milk in glass jars
• The way Liam says "moosey-um" (museum)
• New flannel sheets
• Homemade laundry detergent
• Christmas mugs

What's made you smile today?