The Bucket List

I love the idea of a bucket list. I think it really helps keep you focused on the fun goals that you have. I've had one since before I'd even heard the term bucket list. I called it, "my list of things to do before I die." I remember making one at around 15. I don't have it in front of me, but some of the entries were;

• Have kids (check and check)
• Go to a keg party (check about a hundred times)
• Drive a race car (no check, but still crossed off the list)

Since then, my bucket list has evolved significantly. Some of the current items are;

• Have a home birth (we've done hospital and birth center, might as well go for all three)
• Travel (this is only getting one bullet because if I put everything I wanted to see or do on here it would take pages! I want to spend Halloween in Salem, Christmas in Germany, visit every continent, take the trans-Siberian rail road, stay in a ice hotel, etc., etc., etc.)
• Own a home
• Find a way to make money that allows us to travel as much as we want
• Live abroad
• Write a book
• Grow/make as much of my own food as possible
• Learn another language
• Go to a concert (I know, I know, you haven't been to a concert?! And no, for some reason I haven't)

These are just a few of the many, many, many things I hope to do before I die. I hope to do so much more. I hope to do things that are so awesome, my imagination can't even come up with them!

I look back at all the amazing things I have done, and I am already grateful. I've done enough to fill at least one bucket list already! I've flown a plane, taken the chunnel from London to Paris, been to eight countries (not including the U.S.) and three continents. I've camped in Yellowstone and seen the Northern Lights. I've lived in England. I've driven across country a couple of times and have seen a large majority of the fifty states. I've earned a degree and have worked in the corporate world.

My whole life I have craved new experiences. I have always felt that I was running out of time and I had to do everything and I had to do everything NOW! This led to many rash decisions, but it has also let to a lot of fun. I still feel that same way but have lost some of my intertia. Don't worry, I'll get it back, and by the time I die maybe my completed bucket list will be long enough to count as the book I want to write!

What's on your bucket list?

I'm winning but you didn't even realize we were competing!

Do you ever find yourself smugly telling yourself that you're better than someone you hardly know? Or, conversly, do you find yourself lusting after someone else's "better" life? Yeah, I do it all the time. The invention of facebook has made it frighteningly easy to develop a shallow idea of what someone else is up to and makes it dangerously easy to decide that you are better/worse than them. The worst part is, I am honestly a little glad when I find out someone who I was jealous of has some huge problem and that my life actually is better.

The funny thing is, half these people hardly know me, and they certainly don't realize we are competing. And for everyone whose life I envy, there are probably just as many envying mine. I mean, who wouldn't? Mine's awesome! But really, we have been born into a ridiculously competetive culture. Some of you might like it and find it motivating. I hate it. It starts as babies. "Is you're baby sitting yet? Does he sleep through the night? Mine does, has for awhile. I'm sure your's will catch up." Um, what? They're babies! Who the heck cares?

It only gets worse from there. School is terrible for this. They even grade us and give us a rating. It could not be easier to see who you're better than! And of course later we become aware of who's prettier than us and more popular. We may not have a rating, but we all know (and in some horrifying cases, groups of kids actually do set up a rating.)

Then after school we compete for jobs, then compete for raises, and compete for a hot spouse to take to the reunion and prove that we're "better." During any of this are we competing to be "happiest?" No, no we are not. We just want other people to THINK we are happy. How stupid is that? In what way does that matter at all?

I am trying very hard to break away from this but it's hard. I definitely find myself trying to impress people. I find myself embellishing the things that are going well and down playing any problems I have. I want people to be jealous of me but really, I'm just setting an untrue precedent as I'm sure many other people also do. And to be entirely honest, from time to time I do things that I probably wouldn't do just because it would be an impressive story to tell people later. Yeah, I'm that person.

I am also trying very hard to just plain be happy for people when they are happy. And that's not entirely a selfless act. If I could feel happiness or jealousy, why on earth would I choose jealousy? It's not an incredibly fun emotion. Isn't "desire the root of all suffering?" (Buddha)

So what is my point? I am not better than you. You are not better than me. We are equally valuable as human beings. Any happiness for either of us benefits everyone. Congratulations! You won! But so did I.

Wanderlust

Nearly my whole life I've been plagued with varying types of wanderlust. This is probably why I've never had a job over a year since high school, and in high school I was kind of legally forced to stay in one place. It's also probably why I've never re-signed a lease and even gotten out of several leases early. I'm guessing it also has something to do with gas stations being one of my favorite places to spend summer evenings. It's also why I made many, many bad decisions as a teenager.

Some people don't seem to have this, shall we say, problem. They are content where they are. They like comfort and routine and don't spend too much time wondering what else is out there. Maybe they are the lucky ones, but I'm not so sure. They miss out on so much, but they don't care. So who's winning?

As you know, I love where I live. I love, love, LOVE it! And yet? I am still incredibly restless. At least once a month I dream about selling all our stuff and just leaving. I have so much shit! It's the stuff that you just accumulate and that you "need" when you live in one place. We have a microwave, a couch, way too many clothes and toys. Sometimes it just feels like such a burden. It helps me realize that being rich and accumulating things is not what I want. I am way less trapped than the person with a giant Mcmansion in the suburbs, the two hour commute, and the mind-numbing cubicle job even if they do make ten times what I do.

So what do I do about it? I would love, love, LOVE to find a way to make money that did not require me to be in the same place everyday. I've working on it. If anybody has any ideas, let me know! I know there are many, many people in this world who are free to wander, who just do it somehow. I don't know yet how they do it. It can't be that hard.